Are you afraid of the dark? I'm afraid of children's television programming. It worries me deeply. What's with that dinosaur? And that big bird scares me too. This is all caused by Pluto's influence on the House of the Rising Sun, and the cow jumping over the Moon.

Avoid all intersections while driving this month and you should be OK.

Gem©things, harken to the music of the shmeares. The cosmic bagel of your desires is within reach. Just buckle down, reach into your soul and go lead the life I could live if I didn't have to spend my time coming up with this stuff.

Reaching your dreams is easy compared to talking about nothing for a entire column. How did Seinfeld do it for so long?

It may be pretentious to quote Plato in this Forum (Forum! Ha Ha! Get it? Never mind.) but I'm going to do it. In the "Republic" he said "Don't quote me on this. It's strictly off the record."

In the spirit of that great man's words I am compelled to say theÔh)
0*0*0*°°Ôfollowing: [Your Ad Here! Call 555-JOKE]

So soon we forget the lessons of the womb! Dare you enter the realm of detachable fig bars? Oh, weep all ye little rains! Blow winds blow! But not before the skunks are rent in twain!

Yea verily, as the brook babbles, so shall I, and the World of Frank shall be better for it! Buy stock in exclamation point manufacture, I'm using them like Mad!

As the prophet of Fordham said:

"Umlauts are Groovy but exclamations are Gravy."

What am I talking about, my irreverent friend? I wish I knew. but I do know that the ties they are a changing and the potatoes are on the march.

Sour cream shall not save us, nor shall chives, but in cheddar and broccoli lie salvation. As once I foil wrapped ten cases of spuds in under half an hour, so shall I wrap you in good tasting Grace. And yes, I may be crazy.

But it just might be a lunatic you're (omitted for copyright reasons).

Well, my randy friend, the world may not owe you a living, but it does owe you another episode of Baywatch with the mute button toggled on.

There are stars in your eyes and Comet brand scouring powder in your undies, so your mind is on the future, and a bath. Hah! Quentin Tarantino and Dennis Leary may be masters of the rant, but I am in a class and a world, of my own.

Expect light rain on Tuesday and temperatures in the mid forties. As this low pressure front eases toward the left of the map, skies will clear, as will your sinuses.

On the long run, expect a run of clear skies, lasting until Friday. On the weekend we're looking at a rain of hail the size of casaba melons and of toads the size of Texas. Here's Tom with sports.

Your chart looks great this month! I bought a new spreadsheet program and I really love the way it makes things look. The Great Spirit Vodka will intervene in your future and make you more attractive to a member of the opposite sex.

Expect foreplay on Tuesday, Friday you're in love and a rain of toads on the weekend. Love is the cure for you.