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It's All About the Leprechauns, Baby |
Why We Scrape the Bottom of the Barrel
By El Mysteriosi, Evil Genius
El Mysteriosi Joins ScrapeEditor's Note: We have no idea who this guy is. He showed up one day and wanted to write for us. In today's zine-hostile internet market, one can't be too choosy about who write's their articles. He seemed strange enough, so we hired him on the spot. We don't know what he did at his old zine, but in order to conquer the planet, you need an Evil Genius working for you. His credentials, wild look in his eyes, insane ramblings, and intense paranoia, made him the perfect candidate. Step back and enjoy the show...The time has come to let Frank's World readers have the background they have so long been missing. We all read the contents of this page and wonder "Who writes this stuff? Why do they do it. Who and why are important questions, my friend, questions that need for answers. The day is upon us,the time is right, the toast of truth has popped and is ready to be served with the assorted jellies of virtue. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have the right to know all these things. No longer may we at Frank's World lurk in the shadows, sniggering, chortling and smoking salmon in dark, loud night clubs. The truth, long wondered at (and occasionally pointed at and laughed at) is here in all its lilac scented glory. Make way! Make way, for clear expressions of what is and what has been. Today we apply Benzoyl Peroxide to uncertanty's acne and remove these bumps from the road to eternal knowledge . I remember my father telling me one day: "Damn it boy ! Pass the maple syrup!" I've never forgotten that day, although the month and year are a bit foggy. What did he mean? Where have all the flowers gone ? Good Questions. Very good Questions. Another Good Question is "Why do all these Unnecessary Capital letters keep Showing up? There seems no Rhyme nor reason to their appearence. I have only one thing to say to that.
But enough wandering in these valleys of my mind. No longer shall I Ioiter in your good graces, dropping gum wrappers and harassing the neighbors. Why do we at Frank's World live the avant gard lives we do? Why do we write these master pieces? Do you really think we have an option? The occupational therapists make us pour our souls into the keyboards this way. Anything is better than finger painting for two hours a Day. I can never get the knuckles right anyway. Kidding! Just Kidding! None of us have ever been institutionalized. I would never attribute our creativity to insanity. The answer is far more complex. We write this way because of the midgets. The horrid little creatures who haunt our night mares. I don't of course mean the Little People who so artfully play Munchkins and such in the movies and the computer chip industry. They are valuable, productive members of society, who are no more destructive than anyone else, simply being slightly different from the rest of us, height wise. A mere genetic bobble, making life more diverse and interesting. I am of course refering to real midgets. Real midgets pose for trophies, action figures and Madonna's song "Vogue." They haunt our daily lives, showing up at inoppourtune moments and pretending to be reading the paper .They're not reading the paper! They are plotting to . . . dare I say . . .It? Yes! I must! They are plotting to . . . to . . . to destroy cable television as we know it! Soon the only basic cable station will be the Weather Channel.
Fight for your rights, good citizens! Arm youselves to the teeth and read this page daily. Hell re-read it. The movement gains stength every time you say "Who writes this stuff? Why do they write it?" Why indeed?Editor's Note II: Electric Boog-a-Loo: I'm sure glad this guy is on our side! |
Take me back!
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