[ The Big Lewinsky ]

The Big Lewinksy:
Scrape Helps Monica Plot a New Career Path


by Nite Train, Strange Individual

Now that other women are coming forward with Clinton stories, Monica Lewisnky's fifteen minutes of infamy are almost up. Obviously, her days as a federal employee are over and Revlon and a few other companies turned down here requests for a job --I mean employment.

What's a former White House Intern/Brazen Hussie to do?

Sure she could cheese out and go the normal route of a:
  1. Book Deal including a nation wide book-signing deal
  2. TV Movie starring Alyssa Milano, the new TV Movie Queen
  3. Do the Talk Show Circuit, promoting her book and TV Movie
  4. College Lecture Circuit, promoting her book and TV Movie
To paraphrase Dr. Dre: "Been there. Done That"

Monica is not your typical recent college graduate and should not follow the typical harlot-turned-celebrity path.

Monica can do better:
    Monica Deserves Better
 For starters, she can participate in the College Lecture Circuit in a much less convetional fashion. She could be inside the podium while the other lecturers speak! Ok Ok, I saw Police Academy, too. I know what you're thinking, Monica can do better still.

Possible Career Paths for Monica Lewinsky

Selling Jewelry on QVC:

Imagine channel surfing one day to find Monica herself peddling Perl Necklaces amongst all the Cubic Zirconia merchandise.


Microsoft?

[ This is not a real Microsoft product. ] Microsoft, according an ABC news report hires on average 50 people a week. I'm sure Monica could position herself as head of promoting their new product: Microsoft Orifice.

She could also come in handy during DOJ hearings. "You're picking on Microsoft because Ms. Lewinsky has performed felatio on the President."

Plus, she might be able to do something about Bill Gates' skin.


Product Endorsements

Of course, the true modern American celebrity knows that there's more money to be made in Product Endorsements. No work, just show up for the commercial and say how much you love the product in question and smile.

    Product Endorsements The Dirty Details
    Hoover vacuum cleaners. "These vacuums can suck up almost as much as I can!"
    Chapstick If I have to explain, you would not understand.
    Mentos:
    The Fresh Maker!     		I can wait to see the mildly-entertaing-yet-deeply disturbing commercial now.


    A Long Term Perspective

    Let's keep this all in perspective, every American President has had their quirks. The following table provides an example of the last four Presidents' favorite snacks.

      President Favorite Snack
      Jimmy Carter Peanuts
      Ronald Reagan Jelly Beans
      George Bush Pork Rinds
      Bill Clinton All Day Suckers


Editor's Note: Tasteless, yes, but if you read this far, you've read the entire article. And that was the point of this excercise.

Take me back!


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