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Press Conference Confirms the Rumors:
Santa Claus Abducted By Aliens

 [DATELINE - Gnome, Alaska] Today a spokesman for Mrs. Claus confirmed the rumor that her husband, Santa Claus, was abuducted by aliens last night at their home at the North Pole.

US Air Force tracking satellites and radar reports confirmed that there was a craft of unknown origin flying over the Northern Hemisphere. "We saw it fly in over North America and tracked it as it flew through Canadian airspace and points north," said our anonymous source. He continued, "It hovered above the North Pole a few minutes and then took off." It's trajectory: towards Mars.

A representative from the Brotherhood of Elves Local #100 confirmed the rumor that they are looking for a temporary replacement. But with such short notice, even they concede that "it's going to be tough filling his boots."

World Leaders Respond to Martian Threats

 [ Clinton Ponders the Situation ] The Martians, who appear to be giant Rodents, say that they demand that earth stop sending probes to their planet and to stop beaming old episodes of "She's the Sherriff" into space.

Leading experts on extra-terrestrial life say that, while this proves that the martians are intelligent, we must demonstrate now that we will not tolerate such blatant acts of terrorism.

News Flash!

 President Clinton makes an announcement regarding the US response to the Martian threat.

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