After listening to quite a few prank call albums in my lifetime, it has become evident to me that in the crank call world, one of the most lacked skill is that of keeping a victim from hanging up. To the non-experienced prankster, this may not seem like a task which requires much talent or skill. But after one sees how difficult it is to keep a called person from disconnecting quickly, it becomes obvious how hard this ability can be to master. Thus, I have compiled a list of some of most noticable mistakes prank callers make - mistakes which cause their pranks to be cut short and left unfunny. I have divided this guide into three sections of things to remember (making a good impression, being selective with oddities, and changing the story), making this vade mecum easier and smoother to follow.

1. MAKING A GOOD IMPRESSION

If you feel like making a call in which you initially use any of the seven-deadlies* , I can almost guarantee you your call will not last more than thirty seconds. Too often I hear pranksters make the following mistake:

Victim: Hello (name of business), (person's name) speaking. How may I help you?
Prankster: Yeah! This is Herald Johnston... My wife won't fuck me anymore!
Victim (hangs up immediately): *click*

It's understandable and forgivable that most prank callers are dying to use a certain amount of profanity in their work. After all, how else are we supposed to let the testosterone throw our weight around? The one word to keep in mind before cussing out your victim is "moderation" and, whatever you do, never swear in the first sentence of a call. This sets a bad impression, making your victim less apt to talk to you. The way the above call would have been fixed would have been if the following happened:

Victim: Hello (name of business), (person's name) speaking. How may I help you?
Prankster: Yeah! This is Herald Johnston. I have a problem!
Victim: I'll be happy to assist you with it, sir.
Prankster: It's my wife... I think she's reached menopause, or something...
Victim: There is nothing wrong with this sir. It's perfectly normal for middle aged women to reach this stage... How can you tell?
Prankster: Well, she won't fuck me anymore!

As you can see, the caller refrained from cussing initially, thus allowing the call to be prolonged and funnier to some extent. Even though you will want to start screaming profanities at the victim shortly after obtaining a relationship with them, do your best to control these urges and your finished product will end up being a lot smoother and cleaner. Trust me!

* the seven deadlies are the main four-letter-words which are too vulgar to be used in mixed company

2. BEING SELECTIVE WITH ODDITIES

Now that you're aware of the follies of massive obscenities, the next step for you to master is the controlling of weirdness. To me, insanity is the best thing a call can contain. It's great to be crazy, with the exception of it being used to the degree that the called person is befuddled to the state of hanging up. Because I do not feel like pointing any fingers, I will not tell you who the below call is by or what it's entitled. It is, though, a great example of someone who was not selective with their weirdness:

Victim: Hello. (Person's name) here.
Prankster: You know, I was born with an extra arm.
Victim (hangs up immediately): *click*

Not establishing a common ground, this person destroyed a call which had enough dormancy to fill a suitcase. The caller should have built up to this obscurity, allowing the victim to not initially view him or her as a psychopath. You see, we work up to that. This is how the call would of gone, had it been executed smoothly:

Victim: Hello. (Person's name) here.
Prankster: How are you doing, (person's name)?
Victim: Not bad. And your self?
Prankster: I'm doing very well, thanks! Listen, let's cut to the chase here. The reason of this call is so I can inform you about my being born with an extra arm!

The victim, not hanging up henceforth paves the road for a call with endless possibilities! Even though this rule is one of the best to follow, Chris Van Horn, of Latrine, has a style which is an exception to this apothegm. His gift is such that he can be an insane creep for minutes, and then effortlessly switch back to an apologetic normal human being. A great reflection of this is his call, "Richard," from "The Leftside Tapes." He states that his name is Richard, but the receptionist may call him Dick if she is compelled to do so. After repeating this numerous times, the victim inquires as to if the call is fraudulent or not, to which Chris becomes offended and says he will hang up if she persists to be rude. The way Chris does this is so precise, it makes me want to laugh out loud. But before you imitate what Chris is known for, and experiment with bending these rules, try to apply them to your calls first. You'll be pleasantly surprised with your results.

3. CHANGING THE STORY

You're almost there! One more step and you'll be able to dangle your victim from a phone cord as long as your heart so desires! I must warn you though, this last stage requires a lot work. In order to keep your caller on the line for as long as possible, you must never keep the same exact story. If you get your problem solved immediately, why even call in the first place? Always remember to add little twists and turns to your requests, so the plot will thicken. When the victim has found what you're looking for, tell them that it won't do, or that they didn't understand what you meant. Remember, the customer is always right! Below is an example of a boring call:

Victim: Round Table pizza. May I help you?
Prankster: Yeah! Do you have Happy Meals?
Victim: No we don't, sir.
Prankster: All right.
Victim (hangs up): *click*

What this person should have done would have been to gab for awhile, and then ask the person to tell them what they had. The requests for the kiddie hamburger meal should have came later. This is what a satisfactorily done call may have gone like:

Victim: Round Table pizza. May I help you?
Prankster: Yeah! How are you?
Victim: Not too bad. And your self?
Prankster: Great! Hey, how about the weather, hmm?
Victim: Yeah! It's been great.

The prankster would then stay off of the path, and before finally asking about the Happy Meal. This broadens the calls and makes them more interesting.

Now that you've mastered all three steps required to creating longer and funnier prank phone calls, please keep in mind that it is all supposed to be done in good fun. Be very careful about not getting caught, and whatever you do, never threaten to hurt your victims. Once the prankster sinks to the low of saying they will harm their prey, all of the fun is lost from prank calls, and the victim is left petrified. Our job as intelligent pranksters is to loosen society up a bit, not create a bad name for ourselves. Enough with my vigilance. I'll be concluding this article now, informing you that it's been a pleasure sharing some of my insights... Good luck, have fun, and stay out of jail!

Extra Info: Everything you never wanted to know about the seven-deadly words