 Howard Stern: That is the question Captain Janks: The man, the myth, the voice on the live call-in show, the cause of aggravation for talk show hosts and their celebrity guests everywhere. All of his Janks' calls are straight up with minimal small talk and then boom! The question: "So what do you think of Howard Stern?" His rudeness is particularly hilarious when it brings out the pretentiousness in celebrities, who can't believe that someone would have the audacity to try to screw THEIR show up. Getting there is half the fun though, because Janks seems to have an uncanny ability to get on the air, and the connections to find unlisted celebrity numbers and the numbers of their hotel rooms. While the Captain was putting away a six-pack of Bud Ice, I grilled him on everything from his background, to exactly how he fits into the Stern show, to the moral issues of prank calls.
Janks: You're kidding! Prantagonize: No, they don't have in most parts of North Carolina, but I heard they just got it at a station in Charlotte. Janks: You heard of my shit out in North Carolina where Howard's not even picked up?
Janks: Did you hear the telethon call, where I say I'm Kathie Lee Gifford? Remember the guy who freaked out, Dennis James? He died the other day. It was really a bummer. He was one of the best. Prantagonize: The people who really go head to head with you are the funniest. They get so mad that someone would actually make a phony call to them. Janks: My goal is to get them to walk off the set. Janks: So have you heard the shit that's on The King of All Media page? They got a new page with new calls. Prantagonize: I heard the call to the radio station that's about ten minutes long. Janks: Michael Tearson - "Can you play Freebird?" Janks: So, your magazine is one of a kind. I mean, its got only people that do this type of thing? You should have Captain Crunch in there, guys like that from the 60s and 70s who pulled big pranks. Captain Crunch was the guy who organized this whole thing on Donahue where everybody sat down and at one time during the show, he signaled and everybody fainted in selected parts of the audience, during Donahue's live broadcast. He had to evacuate everybody in the place because he thought it was something in the air. It was a classic.
Janks: The original name is Captain Jank. I was in the army from 1986 to 1988 and Captain Jank was my battery commander in the service. He was a real guy. His name was Kenneth T. Jank from Texas. He's probably a colonel or major by now, but everybody used to make fun of him. On the early days of the show, when I first got on, I used to imitate his voice. It was all based on my service commander in the army - everybody thought he was fucked up. Prantagonize: You were just in the army for a little bit? Janks: Yeah, after I got out of the army I started getting into the Stern show. Prantagonize: It came on right after you got out, right? Janks: Exactly, '89. Prantagonize: What got you started in the whole thing? Janks: I was calling in Howard's show before I started making phony phone calls as Captain Janks. I had to come up with something else, you know, Howard'll get sick of you if you do the same thing over and over. So I called Larry King one night. I did a whole big sob story and then mentioned Howard's name. And Howard friggin' played it on the air the next day. The next two weeks I started calling a lot more. It took off from there, and eventually evolved into what it is now where you turn on talk shows and see it. Prantagonize: Is that Larry King call on the album? Janks: The very first Larry King call isn't on the album, I'm going to save that one. Prantagonize: So you started the whole Howard's name thing yourself, right? Janks: Yep. Prantagonize: What about the slogans you use in the calls? Janks: Like "How do you like them apples?" My mother used to say that to me as a kid, used to piss the shit out of me. I just figure it pisses everybody else off who hears it too. Prantagonize: So your relation to the show is that you call in sometimes, and other times Howard plays your stuff?
Prantagonize: What happened with your record company? Your old web page talked about the backstabbing record industry. Janks: The Atlantic Records material wasn't to the talk shows, it was privately recorded phone conversations. It was never released and I can't release it because Atlantic owns it. Prantagonize: Where do you usually called from? I know you said New Jersey on some of the calls. Janks: I'm from Pennsylvania. I'm out here in Cleveland now doing some promotion with Kenneth. He's the guy that blows the smoke out of his eyes and has a band where he sings about sniffin' panties and stuff like that. He's releasing a record internationally and I'm out here setting up a record release party for him. Prantagonize: Are you with the show or is this independent? Janks: Howard's affiliate out here is giving me 100% support, but I don't work for CBS. I'm doing this for a chance for the Wack Pack to make all their money off this event. The whole Wack Pack is coming out, not just Kenneth, and everyone will get to make money and promote the release of Howard's Miss America video here in Cleveland. The Wack Pack usually converges in Cleveland when there's a big event going on... Howard's not involved. Its like our home away from home besides New York. Prantagonize: What happened with the Rosie O'Donnell show? Janks: I called her a fat pig. Prantagonize: I saw on the King of All Media site that she was bad-mouthing Howard. Janks: She's a bitch. Prantagonize: Just to put the urban legend to rest, have you ever been arrested? Janks: I've never been arrested. I got a ticket once. But I don't do anything illegal. They solicit the number on the talk show and say "Please call in." I just call in and ask people what I want to ask them, plus I get on the air and ask something else - that's illegal? Its a lot of good fun, that's all. Prantagonize: Is your CD available all over? Janks: All the major record chains have it, but I've seen some stores that don't. I don't know what to do at this point.. they say its there. Probably gotta get down on my hands and knees and do it myself, quite frankly. You can't trust anyone to do anything for you. Prantagonize: Is there a new album coming out? Janks: Not yet. I'm going to put a compilation together with not just me, but all the other calls that people have done too. The OJ Simpson call will be on there, and I'm gonna get all the guys that do the phony phone calls, take the best out of all of 'em, including mine, and put 'em on one album. Prantagonize: Are there a lot of people that are organized? Janks: King of Messengers, King of All Cable, and Ponce De La Phone of course. I want to make sure the next album has a little bit of everyone on there, not just mine. Prantagonize: So you still have a record deal? Janks: Fortunately I signed a one record option with the company I'm with now and I can do the second album anywhere I want. But I'm going to stay with my current label because they've taken pretty good care of me. Prantagonize: How do you get all those celebrity numbers - is it inside connections or just hard work? Janks: I get tipped off on a lot of 'em. People that know them call me. You'd be surprised, real surprised. Prantagonize: Like the Tom Arnold thing with the pizza - where the pizza guy starts defending Roseanne? Janks: I acutally met Tom Arnold at Howard's birthday party this year for the first time. I said, "I'm the guy that ordered the pizza to your room." He said, "The funny thing is, we bought it," and he also told me he had my CD, which kinda fucked me up. So we buried the hatchet.
Prantagonize: What are some more of your favorite calls?
Prantagonize: What about calls to CNN? Janks: Oh, I have no remorse for them. Prantagonize: I couldn't believe how easy it was for you to get through to Ted Danson when he was at CNN studios. Janks: Did you hear John Laroquette, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Frank Gifford? That was a nasty one. There was also one that I made to Johnnie Cochran, and one to the guy who cut the wires out here in Cleveland. Howard threw a big funeral for his competitor here in Cleveland. They got so mad they tried to cut the wires. I called him, and I got it all on tape. Prantagonize: What do you think about other prank calls in general? Have you heard any good underground stuff? Janks: I think the Jerky Boys suck the wart of the left butt cheek of my ass. Besides the Jerky Boys who blow, the phony phone callers who were the best of all time, which is the reason why I started archiving my stuff, were the Tube Bar tapes. They're my favorite of all time. They always will be. Prantagonize: We're actually in touch with them for this magazine. Janks: You're kidding me! You're talking about the actual guy who made the calls where he said, "Yeah, I'd like to speak to Hal Jalikeakick?" Prantagonize: Its two guys, Jim Davidson and John Elmo, and they're about to come out with a new album. I think they're kinda stuck with their old record company, so they're releasing it on their own. Janks: Yeah, the Red Tapes were re-released, cause they had a couple of calls on there from Judy and Tom - "YOU MUTHAFUCKA!!!" Those tapes and those guys... if you could get in touch with them and tell them that they are my mentors and that I would be honored if they would make an appearance on the Howard Stern with me, and I know I can make this happen. Do you know the story behind Red? Prantagonize: Yeah, he was a from a seedy bar in Jersey. Janks: It was a bar called the Tube Bar in Jersey, and I was there when I was recording my CD in Philly. I went to Jersey City to get in the feel of it cause this was where I believe phony phone calls originated. So I went to Jersey City to find the Tube Bar inbetween makin' my CD so I could just be in the aura of greatness of phony phone calls. I actually went and found the Tube Bar in Jersey City. Prantagonize: I heard it was gone. Janks: Its called the Little Pub II now, its in a different part of Journal Square. The original Tube Bar was right next to the subway, that's why they called it the "Tube" Bar. Its closed down now, but when you look inside its a small place that looks like kinda like a deli or something. Its still closed down to this day. I went next store to the Bodega that's beside it, and I asked the guy, "Is this where the calls were all made?" He said yeah, and apparently a lot of people go there. Its a kind of tourist attraction. Could you get these guys in touch with me? I'm sure they're familiar with the Stern show, cause they've been playing the Red calls. Howard's been playing them the last couple of days during the bumpers - "WHY DON'TCHA DROP DEAD!" ya know? I'd like to speak to man who said to Red, "Hey, how'd ya like to be mutilated ya motherfucker!" They are the most funniest fuckin' phone calls of all time. I would consider it a fuckin' honor to meet the guys who did those calls. Prantagonize: I'll try to set it up while we're getting them for the magazine. Janks: That would be so fuckin' great. They must have heard of me - he's a phony call artist, all phony phone callers know each other. Jerky Boys blow - tell 'em we won't even speak about the Jerky Boys. Prantagonize: The Bum Bar Bastards apparently have a bunch of never heard material to other places besides Red. Janks: You know Red's dead. He died in '83 or something. My question is, did these guys ever get caught by Red? Prantagonize: No, but they said they did go down there. Think about that, after "I'll give you the Z!" Janks: After everything that happened... Prantagonize: What if they just made eye contact and Red *knew*? Janks: Well Red says, "I know who you are, cause you bragged to your friends what you're doing." And I believed that he knew who they were - "I'M COMING DOWN NOW!" Prantagonize: So where do you get ideas for your pranks from? Janks: A lot of them come at the last minute. Kevin Renzulli [from the King of All Media Newsletter] is 50% of the help, cause most of the shows are live in New York, but not in Philly where I live. So I ask him to tape the calls for me. I ask him what I should say sometimes... he's a lot of the brainwork behind it. Prantagonize: So is doing promotion and everything your main job? Janks: Well, while I'm out here in Cleveland I'm working at a gas station to make ends meet. I'm working at a place called Marathon. Its not fun, but I get to do all this stuff on the other side, that's why I keep doing it. Prantagonize: If anyone ever recognized you, they'd probably shit. Janks: I've been recognized a few times and people are generally pretty nice. I might pass 'em off a CD or something. Its been pretty good. Prantagonize: Are there any other classic pranks like the Donahue show that you know of? Janks: Some people have pulled some fuckin' great pranks. You could probably look in the library and find some newspaper articles on it. You could probably look up a guy named "Captain Crunch" from the 60s, he's done several different pranks that were pretty good. The shit that I do is with a telephone and a TV, something that everyone has in their house. Its just that I got bored enough to make them work together, I guess. Prantagonize: What are the religious shows you call?
Prantagonize: What about the shows where you're everywhere? They hang up on you and go to the next caller, but you ARE the next caller? Janks: Rarely is it me with two lines going. That doesn't happen a lot. Usually there just happens to be a certain amount of Stern callers watching the show, who don't know each other. Prantagonize: How many would you estimate there are? Janks: A lot. You know that Donnie Osmond call, from about three years ago? I didn't know those two people that called before me - I was the last one. I don't think they had any idea that the three calls were going to be Howard Stern calls. We just happened to get three calls in a row, with people who made no prior plans and didn't know each other. Prantagonize: That's incredible. I thought it was planned. Actually, that's kind of scary.
Prantagonize: Plus, its ratings. The news people will do anything to get somebody who's been in it. Prantagonize: So what did they talk about when Howard was on Larry King? I know the night before on Letterman he said flat out that he hated Larry King. Janks: Larry King said, "By the way, Howard Stern calls are allowed tonight!" One of the things that was discussed was that Howard knew it was an awkward moment for Larry because of the calls... they hadn't spoken since then. But at the same time, it drew more people to watch to see what these two people who were feuding for so long would have to say. Howard was promoting his movie to Larry King's audience and that's exactly what he did. Prantagonize: Is the stuff you have in the vaults similar to the CD? Janks: Nah, the the CD is talk show calls, but the stuff I have is privately recorded phone conversations. I have some fuckin' wild shit. Everything on those tapes is for real, I assure you that. Prantagonize: It seems like a crop of fake tapes came out right after the Jerky Boys. Janks: I wasn't a crop man, I came out the same time they did. I was with Atlantic and they released the Jerky Boys and sat my shit on the shelf so I wouldn't overflow the market. But I'm not done yet. I just started. Prantagonize: Yours is a whole different kind of call, a different style. If your calls got out there, there would be lots of people who could appreciate them. Janks: Its just a lot of fun, that's the whole point. That's why I keep doing it. Janks: Want a beer man? I'll try to dump it through the funnel into the phone. Take a sip. Prantagonize: I could, I just had my 21st birthday. Janks: Congratulations. I just had my 31st. I'm an old fuckin' man. I started doin' this when I was your age. See what happens to ya? Stay with the plan, believe me. You'll lead a much more normal life. Get married, have children, and be happy. Instead of always havin' to wonder who you're gonna scam next.
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