Undercover as a Telemarketer

Telemarketing: the Grail-Shaped Beacon of Prank Calling.

The idea for this article started when I informed Hastings, one of the participants in this do-it-yourself guide of not-quite-federal-offense tomfoolery, of my decision to join the ranks of one of the world's SLEAZIEST professions: telemarketing. My reasons for this are many and sad, so I won't go into that here. Needless to say, Hastings saw the potential benefit to society that my toil would provide. So here it is--the outcome of three months of blood, sweat, and tears (or that of my managers, to be more accurate), earned while working for a huge telemarketing conglomerate too evil to be included in works such as 1984, but just right for Prantagonize.

To keep things simple, I divided the following exposition into two easily digestible (and incredibly useful) sections: one about strategies to take when you are actually called by one of these unfortunate fools, and one taking you through prank calls you can make posing as a telemarketer.

Section One: Strategies you can take when you are actually called by one of these unfortunate fools.

First keep in mind that telemarketers do have sales and conversion goals. The conversion goal is just a percentage of sales based on total calls. This gives us, the prank callers, a big advantage. The telemarketer wants the sale, and in some of the more pitiful (but humorous) cases, needs the sale to maintain his job. To take advantage of this, try to act like you are interested in the product and what the telemarketer has to say. Not only will this through them off guard, but it will keep them on the hook, so to speak. Even if you want to down-talk the product, do it in a way that indicates that you might be interested.

Another advantage that we have is that most telemarketers are greeted with scorn and contempt. We have license to do this as well, or we can feign friendliness and keep the telemarketer on the line. Remember: do not use any of the seven deadlies unless the telemarketer thinks you are definitely gonna buy, or if you've already suckered them bad enough and are not insulting them. Company policy allows the telemarketer to hang up at any time if a customer "sasses back." Try to say things like "your product chains and rapes 14-year-old children. I read that in the news," or "your product has sexual intercourse with frogs." Just avoid using "those" words (fuck, shit, cunt, bitch, cock, etc...).

One easy way to piss off a telemarketer is to listen to their idiotic spiel, then act overly excited about it. "Really, Mark? Your name was Mark, right? I can't believe that your prices are so low! That is a great offer! Can you tell me all about it again, please?" Then tell them to say it the same way they did the first time. Then you can have more fun: you can tell them they have a sexy voice, you can tell them to say it high-pitched or low-pitched, or you could tell them to say it as fast as they can (and if they say it fast enough, you'll buy). Slowly push their limits further and further, all the while assuring them that you're just making sure the company is reputable, because you've been screwed before. Make your requests more outrageous with the caveat that you're just trying to discover if they "believe in their product" or if their "heart is pure."

If you raise any concerns with the telemarketer, they are instructed to say something like, "Mr. Ashton, I can certainly understand that, however, let me simply point out that blah blah blah..." This is a great time to talk about how they could never understand your pain, or some other such bullshit. Or they will respond with something like, "That's a very good question, and I'm really glad you asked..." In that case, you can point out the fact that you thought it was a pretty stupid fucking question and that you wished you weren't so damn stupid.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you really want to piss of the telemarketer, here is the ultimate strategy: let the telemarketer know that you want to buy for sure, but you just need to ask some questions that you were wondering about, but that either way, you're gonna buy. Then the telemarketer will have to verify your name and address. If I have to tell you all of the things you can do with this, then you should probably find another hobby besides prank calling. After you assure him of a sale, the telemarketer will have to read you a bunch of incredibly boring legal information. This is a great time to interrupt with stupid questions, make disparaging comments about the telemarketer, Or just refuse to let him get a word in at all. Remember, they think that they're locked into the sale. Next they have to transfer you to some type of verifier, or to verify the information one more time. When they MENTION the "verifier," act real paranoid like the verifier is gonna get all your information and hunt you down like a dog in the streets. The telemarketer will try his or her damnedest to reassure you. Pretend it's okay, then when the he gets back with the verifier on the line, tell them you don't want their damn products after all, Nazi pigboys.

Otherwise, just interrupt them and say something to the effect of, "Well, actually, that's alright. Why don't you just take me off the calling list? Never call me back, please." Then listen to them grovel for the sale like a starved dog. This is by far the worst thing you can do to a telemarketer (on the phone, at least.)

Keep in mind that they called you. You can say any goddamn thing you want, and they'll have to sit back and take it like a bitch.

Section Two: How to pose as a telemarketer.

This is actually much more useful, by far. Pretending to be a telemarketer can open you up to situations that would be hard to attain on your own. In some cases, this can work as well as pranking a store. The only thing to keep in mind is that you are the supposed professional now, and the victim is the average joe customer. That is a big advantage in most cases, as you can now direct the flow of the call better. The disadvantage to this type of prank is that you have to block caller ID (mentioned again below), and it is also advised to make these pranks within your city to avoid high phone bills.

A quick note before I proceed: make sure to dial that *67 shit or whatever in order to block caller ID. When a telemarketer calls, caller ID always shows the number as "unavailable."

Here is the basic tool you will need as a starting point for a good prank as a telemarketer: the "call flow."

First, you have the intro: "Hello, may I please speak with (victim's full name here)?" If they claim that he/she is not there, then say: "Well maybe you can help me; do you also make decisions regarding (this or that)" or "Maybe you'd be interested in a free year supply of our new snack food product, buckets of jizz! It's jizzalicious!"

Next, you have the sales spiel: you can ask some lead up questions like, "Have you ever subscribed to this or that magazine?" or "How much do you spend on Internet access?" This adds realism to the call. Then you launch into the spiel: "I'm glad I got a hold of you today, because I have a great offer from Company X! We're calling on this special calling list today to provide our valuable customers... some more bullshit..." Then proceed to the creative part, where you animatedly describe some kind of service and quote associated prices. This is where you can really experiment.

After that, you proceed to the most important part, the close: "So, MR. X, with all these great benefits in mind, how about it?"

If someone actually wants the product that you are offering, then you can spout a bunch of fake legal shit and then thank them politely for their time and for continuing to be a valued customer, and not one of those fucking bum customers.

Within this framework, there are a million things you can do. You can lure people in then degrade their mothers, you can make up a million ridiculous products at ridiculous prices, or make up some BS charity that you're calling on behalf of. You can call late at night ("I'm sorry to call so late, but it's never too late for life insurance that gives to piece of mind that your family will be taken care of if the unthinkable should happen"). You can call early in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday, you can offer different complicated services at the same time and confuse the hell out of the victim. Keep in mind that if you represent yourself as being affiliated with a company, you better watch your ass. You can get in serious trouble for that.

In a perverse way, becoming a telemarketer can be a fun job for a prank caller. While you must maintain an unpenetrable forcefield of politeness, you can subtlely insult the callee with voice inflection, double entendre, etc. Occassionally, just sitting back and listening to some Jerky wannabe try to reverse prank me, or some lonely nutcase go on and on was pretty entertaining. I had plenty of people trying to be funny with me ("What are the prices to Saturn?"). One call sticks in my mind as really strange, though. This moron, in a bad Sal Rosenberg impression began talking about how he was "oppressed". He was "oppressed" at work and hated the people he worked with. I played along with him, then at one point he said his oppression came from the fact that all the glamour jobs were taken. His example of a glamour job? Driving a tour bus 170 miles without stopping. And that was about the funniest thing he said. Still, it was the most entertaining weirdo i had had on the phone in a while. If it was a joke, it wasn't bad. I just kind of made fun of him using my tone of voice, because you never know if he's serious, and then told him my computer broke down because "it got the Z". I wish we had the call on tape. (Tube bar fans: the z is a horrible virus that we had at the office in the computers.) So I had to disconnect and have someone call him back. I hope he recorded it, if he is a pranker, but the odds are not good.

Well, this is all you should need to know to get started. Keep in mind that it's a good idea to already have a basic script in your mind before the call is made. Also keep in mind that if you get started on the right foot, it is easy to lull the victim into a false sense of security. So, with all these benefits in mind, how about getting off your ass and making some prank calls?

If you have any questions, e-mail me at squirrelfuck@usa.net.